Millipedes are People Too...

I work out of a fire station that is almost 200 years old. It is in need of repair in some sections, but regardless, it is the place I call home at least 4 days a week. My second home is inundated with arthropods, that is Scutigera Coleoptrata, or “House Centipedes.” These wretched creatures skitter unbound throughout the building, and plague my every working moment.

House Centipedes are attracted to moist places. If they don’t have enough moisture they will dry up and die. For this reason, many believe they climb up through bathtub and sink drains, but more than likely that is just the location they choose to lay eggs. In Japan they are revered as a useful species, because of their insectivore appetite for other arthropods, such as insects and arachnids. They have 15+ pairs of ridiculously long extremities attached to a rigid body and can reach several inches of length. Try coming in from another 3AM call, to find one hanging out on the wall in quarters. Or watch the enlarged shadows of their hideous legs scurry across the wall when you’re backing into the bay. They make me scream louder than a sudden appearance of Freddy’s burned and disfigured face in my basement. 

Last week, around midnight when I was getting off shift after my relief had just arrived, I went to use the bathroom before I left. As I was closing the door, an especially large and ghastly multi-legged beast lunged from the door frame right at my BRAIN. I am not kidding! It landed by my feet, and scuttled out of sight. I howled like a newborn werewolf and hurtled myself into the protection of...2 other Paramedics who were startled and looking at me like I had 8 heads. They gallantly swarmed the bathroom in my defense, and pronounced it safe for bladder duty. By now, I was too freaked out to even think about subjecting myself to another vicious attack. I did the pee dance all the way home. 

The next shift, I arrived a few minutes early and inevitably my bladder called again. As an added coincidence the same 2 Paramedics that rescued me previously were getting off shift. Ignoring my pride, I implored them to check the bathroom before I used it. After an extended audience of disgusted exclamations, snideful remarks, and mocking laughter they earnestly checked the bathroom and proclaimed it safe for my occupancy. I shuffled along, embarrassed at my weakness, and resentful of my fear.

That evening, I had an epiphany! If I used reverse psychology and self induced mind control, maybe I could condition myself to tolerate my hyper-legged nemesis! I announced to my partner my new mantra, “Millipedes are people too!” I repeat this mantra both silently and audibly on my forays into the different rooms of station 6. I chant it, sing it, and really try to believe it. I haven’t seen a House Centipede since, so I think it may be working! Millipedes are people too! They deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, equal rights...and the bottom of my boot if one ever comes near me again!