The kitchen is a dangerous weapon!

You may or may not know by now that I’m new to the cooking scene...I’ve only been hacking up stockpots, burning food, and nearly slicing my fingers off for less than 2 years! It didn’t take long to learn that the kitchen is as hazardous as iceskating down a rocky bluff covered in tire irons and gravel! Forget pocket Mace, screeching alarms, or roundhouse kicks to the face! If you want to protect yourself, carry a kitchen around in your pocket. From slippery floors to knives that are sharp enough to carve a single strand of hair into a topiary garden, leaving the kitchen unscathed deserves a standing ovation! 

One of the most common kitchen injuries is burns. As a child, I remember burning four fingertips on an electric stove with a smooth glass surface. Nasty blisters developed, and my four fingers looked like meat commas. The top rack of the oven is a repeat offender for burns, collecting the first layer of skin like little flesh trophies. Eww! Steam is another kitchen hazard with a thirst for human flesh. Steam even generates its own applause! Ever have something in your hands when Steam hisses out and scalds you, and the item you were holding clatters nosily to the ground? That’s Steam, demanding acclamation for its handiwork.  To avoid getting Steamed, always remove the cover from a boiling pot of water from the far side first. This prevents rising Steam from scalding your arm or face, and allows it to evaporate away from your body parts. The same philosophy applies to that boiling water still in the pot the steam escaped from. Pour it in an empty sink facing away from your body parts, and avoid hot splashes, flashes, or feet!

Injury from slicing an onion on a mandolin

Another common injury sustained in the kitchen is knife wounds. Knives are like kitchen Ninjas! They sneak up on you silent and stealthy, lacerate you quickly, then sneer and snicker while you hop around on one foot, shout obscenities, and attempt to control bleeding with a dirty dishrag. Plunge your hand into murky dishwater, and it’s likely a knife will be waiting to score your finger. Other knife wounds are suffered from dull blades. When blades are not sharp enough to penetrate the object intended, extra force is required to do the job. If your knife work is sloppy, or the dull blade is deflected, all of that extra force transfers directly to your fingertip. Which transfers to a visit to the ED...and some stitches. Improper technique when slicing, mincing, and carving those cute baby squirrels out of watermelon rinds is also a springboard for knife trauma. I developed my super fabulous skills by watching lots of YouTube videos...and leaving lots of kitchens looking like murder scenes...

The absolute weapon of mass destruction found in large and small kitchens alike is the GRATER! I despise that necessary piece of equipment. I have deep and hideous scars on many a knuckle from that brutal gadget. In fact, as I write this I am healing a particularly deep gash on the third digit of my right hand! Not only are grater wounds painful and inclined to bleed alot, the avulsed flap of skin catches on every organic or inorganic entity it passes. Oh, Dear Grater, how I love what you do to cheese but hate what you do to my fingers!

The kitchen is a dangerous weapon, it’s indisputable! Post your kitchen horror stories at www.ParamedicsCooks.com in the Forums. Click on the topic “Kitchen Trauma!!” and give all the boorish details of your unsightly kitchen trauma!!

Bamboo Steamer?

I bought a bamboo steamer a few years ago, when I first developed an interest in cooking. My initial culinary goal was to make healthy meals, and steamed food has always had that fitness swagger! At the time, I barely knew how to boil water, let alone use some newfangled kitchen equipment that wasn’t idiot proof. Needless to say, the first time I used it, all the water boiled out of the ridiculously shallow pan I was using. I burnt the first two layers of the bamboo steamer into oblivion! Oh, you thought I was being snarky when I said I couldn’t boil water? Sadly, no. 

A traditional bamboo steamer is used prevalently in Asian culture, but because of its vast health advantages has gained popularity in many societies. It is commended for its ability to produce flavorful and evenly cooked meals, while not compromising the natural characteristics of food. The absence of required fats, oils, and butter helps to maintain healthy food preparation while also preserving vitamins and minerals that could otherwise be lost by other cooking methods. The steamer is designed to fit over a pot or wok of boiling water (do yourself a favor and use a pot deeper than my IQ), and is made in separate layers of slotted bamboo in a circular frame, including a domed lid.

I chucked my charred bamboo pieces, and set out to buy another steamer. Because the steamer is multilayered and I only incinerated a couple of the layers, I bought the same product and just combined the unscorched parts with the pristine, new bamboo. That lovely, patched up appliance has adorned the inside of my cabinets, the second shelf my hutch, and the top of my refrigerator. It has yet to see another pot of boiling, or even completely evaporated water!  Today it perches loftily in my kitchen, glaring at me with contemptuous disdain and mocking me with its sterling condition, having never been used. 

I’m more than willing to cook with it, and still interested in preparing healthy meals, but I can’t find a cookbook, recipe, or website with any appetizing suggestions! Please, if you can, help me out of this confounded conundrum!!

(Post in the “comments” section, or really impress me and submit a recipe at www.ParamedicCooks.com!!)

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Welcome to ParamedicCooks.com! I’m glad you’re here! Building this website has been both exciting and exhausting. Let’s have some fun! I can’t wait to try out some new recipes and see who wins the CONTEST! The grand prize is an IPOD TOUCH so don’t be shy about submitting your best recipe! Click on the “Recipe Contest” tab and get started today! You have to be an EMT to enter the contest, but any and all recipes are welcome for posting consideration!! Visit the “Recipes” tab frequently for new meal ideas and recipe submissions.

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