The kitchen is a dangerous weapon!

You may or may not know by now that I’m new to the cooking scene...I’ve only been hacking up stockpots, burning food, and nearly slicing my fingers off for less than 2 years! It didn’t take long to learn that the kitchen is as hazardous as iceskating down a rocky bluff covered in tire irons and gravel! Forget pocket Mace, screeching alarms, or roundhouse kicks to the face! If you want to protect yourself, carry a kitchen around in your pocket. From slippery floors to knives that are sharp enough to carve a single strand of hair into a topiary garden, leaving the kitchen unscathed deserves a standing ovation! 

One of the most common kitchen injuries is burns. As a child, I remember burning four fingertips on an electric stove with a smooth glass surface. Nasty blisters developed, and my four fingers looked like meat commas. The top rack of the oven is a repeat offender for burns, collecting the first layer of skin like little flesh trophies. Eww! Steam is another kitchen hazard with a thirst for human flesh. Steam even generates its own applause! Ever have something in your hands when Steam hisses out and scalds you, and the item you were holding clatters nosily to the ground? That’s Steam, demanding acclamation for its handiwork.  To avoid getting Steamed, always remove the cover from a boiling pot of water from the far side first. This prevents rising Steam from scalding your arm or face, and allows it to evaporate away from your body parts. The same philosophy applies to that boiling water still in the pot the steam escaped from. Pour it in an empty sink facing away from your body parts, and avoid hot splashes, flashes, or feet!

Injury from slicing an onion on a mandolin

Another common injury sustained in the kitchen is knife wounds. Knives are like kitchen Ninjas! They sneak up on you silent and stealthy, lacerate you quickly, then sneer and snicker while you hop around on one foot, shout obscenities, and attempt to control bleeding with a dirty dishrag. Plunge your hand into murky dishwater, and it’s likely a knife will be waiting to score your finger. Other knife wounds are suffered from dull blades. When blades are not sharp enough to penetrate the object intended, extra force is required to do the job. If your knife work is sloppy, or the dull blade is deflected, all of that extra force transfers directly to your fingertip. Which transfers to a visit to the ED...and some stitches. Improper technique when slicing, mincing, and carving those cute baby squirrels out of watermelon rinds is also a springboard for knife trauma. I developed my super fabulous skills by watching lots of YouTube videos...and leaving lots of kitchens looking like murder scenes...

The absolute weapon of mass destruction found in large and small kitchens alike is the GRATER! I despise that necessary piece of equipment. I have deep and hideous scars on many a knuckle from that brutal gadget. In fact, as I write this I am healing a particularly deep gash on the third digit of my right hand! Not only are grater wounds painful and inclined to bleed alot, the avulsed flap of skin catches on every organic or inorganic entity it passes. Oh, Dear Grater, how I love what you do to cheese but hate what you do to my fingers!

The kitchen is a dangerous weapon, it’s indisputable! Post your kitchen horror stories at www.ParamedicsCooks.com in the Forums. Click on the topic “Kitchen Trauma!!” and give all the boorish details of your unsightly kitchen trauma!!