Poor Goose! He or she is so misunderstood! Talk about society induced body dysmorphic disorder...poor thing probably can’t wrap its beak around a grain of corn without someone pointing, laughing, and gesturing toward their hips with a spatula. The goose is only fat at the behest of the farmer! I don’t care who you are, if some farmer locked you in a field and fed you the Goose culinary equivalent of caviar while at the same time taking away your aerodynamic ability to traipse around the world, you might add a little fluff to your stuff as well. After all, that’s the Holiday tradition!
In my family, traditional Holiday meals are usually at my Grandparents’ house, Barbara and Frank Perry. They begin with Barbara welcoming guests at the door, and planting 50-9000 kisses on both cheeks while making piercing falsetto “mwah” sounds. This greeting is followed by Franks’ bellowing Hello, offer of a place to sit, then statement “If you’re here to eat, I hope you brought money, cause food’s not cheap!” My grandfather is a mix of some very intense and concentrated personality traits: loud, abrasive, stubborn, opinionated, and short tempered. He is also loving and caring toward family and friends, and that’s why it’s easy to excuse him when he yells, “You got ROCKS in your head,” if you want to spend ten dollars on a lawn chair instead of constructing one from rotted timber, duct tape, nail polish and the steering column from a ‘76 Chevy. My grandmother balances him out by being jolly and content, and focuses mainly on trying to gorge you with as much food and drink as your clattering jaws can consume. She’s rather laid back...until it comes to her husband, or anyone messing with her family. In the right circumstances, she turns into a fire-breathing, hoof-stomping, knife-wielding, dagger-throwing, vigorously trained Ninja who will maim and destroy anyone who even looks at her family the wrong way.
The kitchen is open to the living room which has plenty of seating and doesn’t isolate the cook, who is always Barbara and she will never let anyone help do anything. It’s been an ongoing Holiday struggle for years; she will not allow the many family and friends that attend help serve or clean up. I don’t understand this philosophy myself, I put everyone to work at my Holiday dinners! Barbara is very particular about how she likes things done, and I can only conclude that previously, some charitable, unassuming fellow must have loaded a fork in the dishwasher with the prongs facing South, instead of slightly Northwest with the handle in a clockwise position?! Guests trickle in at regular intervals and receive their kisses and inquiries about financial status, gifts are exchanged, food and wine aplenty are passed about often, and there is tons of loudness, laughter, and love. The family dog, a portly English Springer Spaniel, takes her cues from Barbara and greets guests at the door, dispensing sloppy dog kisses, and sprinkling pretty Chirstmas outfits with white fur from her paunchy body. Barabara becomes fierce in her defense of the dog as well, and if you don’t like her jumping up on you, you can “get the hell out!” She’s an amazing woman, my grandmother, and I’m proud to say I picked up many of her good traits, although she is a much better Ninja than myself. Cheers!
Christmas is coming, and the Goose is getting fat! Hope everyone has a great family holiday planned, and if you don’t have any family nearby come celebrate with us! I will be hosting Christmas this year and Barbara and Frank will definitely be attending as well as several other interesting friends and family members :)
Here are the lyrics to the Christmas Carol referenced in this blog:
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| Frankie, the family dog Chi, and Barbara's leg,...Xmas 2009 :) |
The goose is getting fat
Please put a penny
In the old man's hat.
If you haven't got a penny,
A ha'penny will do;
If you haven't got a ha'penny,
Then God bless you.
Christmas is coming,
lights are on the tree,
Hang up your stocking for Santa Claus to see.
If you haven't got a stocking,
a little sock will do;
If you haven't got a little sock,
God bless you!
Christmas is coming,
the season of good cheer,
Let's all sing a carol for the brand-new year!
If you haven't got a carol,
a jolly song will do;
If you haven't got a jolly song,
God bless you...!
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